Possibly the Most Humorous Thing You Will Read All Week

Voice over:

There once was a boy band called SWAGGER who had a couple of hits in the late 80's, were very big in Japan and were once described by MTV as 'the reason why god invented dayglo'. Their debut album 'Batteries Not Included' went double platinum (in Norway) and they lived the high life, hanging out with Hefner at the mansion, opening for Frank Sinatra (Jnr) on his ill-fated 'Old green eyes is back' tour and trading gags with a comatose John Belushi and a bemused Orson Wells on Carson.

They had it all, they wanted for nothing and they were all set to take their career to the next level.

It really couldn't go wrong.

Until it did.

On the eve of releasing their much-awaited second album, 'Metrosexual' they disbanded suddenly after some serious 'musical differences'. The exact circumstances are now the stuff of myth but are thought to have involved a drum machine, Carole King, Perry Como and a jumbo-sized bucket of chicken wings.

Whatever it was that really happened we will never know but what we DO know is that at 4am one Thursday in June the three of them left the studios in Nashville in four limos - one heading North, one South, one East and one West.

And then they vanished.....

Maybe they were dead.

Maybe they were in rehab.

Or maybe they were just biding their time.

Over the years rumours abounded about their real whereabouts -

Simon W had apparently been variously spotted swimming the Atlantic, singing in the chorus line of the ill-fated musical adaptation of the Oxford English Dictionary and working in a gentle men's outfitters in Rhyll.

Martin R had been spotted working as a Max Headroom tribute act on the Northern Club circuit, selling truffles from the back of a camper van in downtown Vegas and as a gladioli wrangler for Dame Edna.

And Simon T had disappeared completely after his attempt to be the first man to single-handedly climb Anna Nicole Smith (without the use of oxygen) ended in public shame and the complete loss of all of his body hair.

Now thirty years later they have been tempted out of retirement by 'public demand' because one of their songs has been used in a straight-to-DVD episode of Glee.

The two Simons hate Martin because he still has all his own hair (and some of theirs) and Martin hates the two Simons because they have all the royalties.

But after an ice-breaking lunch at River Cafe they agreed to be photographed together for the first time....

pink pants

Coming soon to a venue near you in 2014.

Contact: Suzanne Gluck at WME for availability for weddings, funerals, barmitzvas and circumcisions.

Line Break
Line Break
  • Sue J. Acocks

    Delicious tale! I needed a reason to smile today and you provided it! By the way, I'm listening to The Man Who Loved China and find myself driving around town just to listen? I've read all your books and loved every one of them. (I always listen to them so I feel as though we are friends and you are yelling me your wonderful stories. Thanks for hours and hours and hours of oure pleasure.